Inquest for the Undead

Ladies and gentlemen, we have been called together to conduct an inquiry into the death of American capitalism. As you can see we have a clear chalk outline on the floor of Congress where the decedent was found.
The witnesses have been sworn and will now give their testimony. Mr. President, you may go first. What’s that you say? You believe it was a case of accidental death. Ah, I see by the deposition you have submitted that the Secretary of the Treasury and you have agreed that this was a totally unforeseen and unforeseeable set of circumstances. The fact that the victim was teetering on the edge of a cliff while a boulder was about to fall on him and a freight train and a Mac truck were heading in his direction at breakneck speed were not sufficient indicators that mischief might befall him.
One question Mr. President, why has the Vice President not been at your side through this ordeal? Is he not a skilled businessman, who might have had valuable ideas to avoid the unfortunate incident – even to have saved the victim in the last minutes? An undisclosed location you say? Why did you feel it necessary to send him into hiding at this time? Oh! I see, he didn’t disclose his location to you either. What’s that? The FBI, Secret Service, US Marshals and Dog the Bounty Hunter? None of these could find him? Very well, you may step down – and I mean that sincerely Mr. President, please step down.
Now, you congressional leaders. What testimony do you have to give? Mr. Minority leader, you may go first. Murder you say! That’s a serious accusation. You know the culprit? The chairman of the house banking committee? Are you sure? And the head of the senate banking committee as well? Oh my. These gentlemen are members of the Democrat party, they’ve been entrusted with the wellbeing of the credit industry for the past two years. You can’t mean that the very ones who were to protect the economy colluded in the felonious dispatch of same?
I must allow these gentlemen to speak in their own defense. Gentlemen, you have sworn to tell the truth, and no matter how contrary to your deeply ingrained principles that may be, I implore you to consider the gravity of the situation and make an exception in the present case. Ah! You agree with the Republicans, it was indeed murder. Do you then confess? Please gentlemen, compose yourselves! I merely thought you were acknowledging the deed. What then is the evidence against these men?
You saw what? The speaker of the house opening a secret compartment in her ring and pouring a powder into the victim’s martini? Her real name is Borgia? That explains a great many things. The matter should be refered to a special prosecutor.
But what about these two? I see. One held the glass and the other delivered the draught to the victim. So what say you Madame Speaker? On advice of counsel? No Ma’am that’s the fifth amendment – very well, please step down. Then what of you other two? You have already agreed that the deed was murder.
Oh, I see. You agree that it was murder, but you accuse the Republicans. Death by lack of regulation, you say. But I have here a very long list of regulations that should have protected the system, why were more needed? Oh no gentlemen, oversight was your responsibility. You don’t know the difference between regulation and oversight? Is that why every time someone shoots somebody you call for more restrictions on firearms and less prosecution of the crimes already committed. Really gentlemen, you ought to go back to law school and you should try to pass the bar. Yes, the one at the end of the street, it is clouding your judgment.
I must admit you are making a pretty good case now. It was the responsibility of the Republican administration and the Republicans on the committees you chair to blow the whistle instead of their own horn. Well then, thank you for your testimony.
Now, I must rule. It is clearly no accident that the capitalist system in this country has passed away. It seems evident that there was a vast conspiracy between both political parties to commit murder. No, please! I will not accept a plea of negligent manslaughter. I find that the government acted in a bipartisan manner as a hit man paid by the very entities they were to assassinate.
Yes, I rule the death a suicide. Capitalism died because of greed that permeated every area of our society. It died the death of a vampire so gluttonous for blood that it fed upon itself. It died with a full belly and empty veins.
And now you must excuse me, I have been called to break up a fight between two candidates for president. They are arguing violently over which one gets to drive the stake through the heart.